CDC Worried New COVID Variant Discovered In Edina May Have Gained Ability To Purchase Race Horse

EDINA — The CDC says a new COVID-19 variant believed to have originated in Edina may have mutated to have the ability to purchase thoroughbred horses for the purposes of racing, dressage, or pulling luxurious carriages.

The strain was first identified in a patient who is believed to have been exposed at Bellissimo Cavallo, an upscale horse and horse accessories emporium on France Ave.

“If the SARS-CoV-2 has indeed obtained a racehorse, it could set back our prevention efforts for a number of reasons – It could travel up to 40 miles per hour for short bursts, trample pedestrians, and cover the streets in manure,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, “the coronavirus could even win races or show jumping competitions and use the prize money to buy even more horses, worsening the situation exponentially.”

Exactly how the coronavirus gained the ability to buy horses is currently unknown.

“Perhaps the coronavirus first evolved the ability to open a private law practice or enter the corporate finance industry and was able to gain enough disposable income to order a horse online,” said NIAD director Anthony Fauci, “the important thing is we do everything we can to contain the virus and it’s presumably strong, majestic horse whose beautiful mane glistens in the sun before it’s too late.”

Why the virus would desire to own a horse is also unknown though scientists speculate it may be a clever attempt to ingratiate itself into Edina society in order to catch residents off guard.

So far, no cases of the strain have been found outside the city. The CDC is recommending that residents avoid sharing riding gloves, feeding strange horses with their hands, or selling horses to viruses, bacteria, or single-celled organisms of any kind.