Chicago Man Brutally Attacked After Calling Jucy Lucy ‘A Cheeseburger’


MINNEAPOLIS — Police responded to a disturbance at Matt’s Bar yesterday evening that started when a Chicago resident referred to their signature burger as “a cheeseburger.”

Chicago resident Mitch Stevens, who was visiting his college friend Tom Riebach, had asked to see the area’s must-see locations. “Obviously, Matt’s Bar was number one on the list,” said Riebach. “We grabbed a booth and I told him he had to try the Jucy Lucy: that’s when the trouble started.”

When the server asked how their meal was after the first few bites, Stevens shrugged and said the Jucy Lucy was “a decent cheeseburger,” ignoring the fact that it is an entirely different dish. It was then that the patrons around him—rightly incensed by his disrespect and ignorance—allegedly attacked.

“The cheese is on the inside! It’s a totally different from a cheeseburger!” said May Smith, one of the patrons who witnessed the attack. “What kind of neanderthal can’t tell the difference?”

According to sources, more than seven native Minneapolitans attacked him, assaulting him with baskets of fries that were likely not supposed to be eaten by just one person.

As of press time, no charges had been filed. Stevens, who got off relatively easy, remains in critical condition. Riebach, who brought the sausage-eating bastard to the restaurant, is currently in protective custody.