Disappointed QAnon Believer Guesses He’ll Just Start Believing In Chupacabras Or Something

DULUTH — After giving up his belief in QAnon when Donald Trump failed to overturn the 2020 election and execute members of an elite satanist pedophile cabal on live television, Duluth hot tub store owner Joe Piper, 53, says he’ll probably just start believing in chupacabras or yetis or some shit.

“I latched onto QAnon because it temporarily filled the hole in my soul that arose from a deep-seated desire to feel in control of the wildly changing world around me,” said Piper, “so now I guess I have to start believing that Malaysia Flight 370 was hijacked by Sasquatches and went back in time to cause 9/11 or that the Mothman invented New Coke or something.” 

Piper has reportedly been browsing the “List of Conspiracy Theories” wikipedia article for the last half hour in an attempt to find one that fits his personality and lifestyle. Piper says he’d prefer one that’s niche enough to make him feel as though he possesses secret knowledge yet with “a large enough community that [he] and go to a fun convention with a nice cheese spread every now and again”.

“None of these seem to really pop out at me so far. At first, I thought it’d be nice to believe in a species of undiscovered Krakens in the Mariana Trench” said Piper, “but I’d really like something that incorporates my innate phobia of people and cultures I don’t understand”.

At press time, Piper had written two separate lists in an Excel document labeled “types of people that are strange to me” and “things they secretly do” and begun rearranging them randomly.