DNR High Council Senses Great Fear In Potential New Recruit

Photo by GPA Photo Archive

The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources’ High Council, meeting in their sacred enclave atop Split Rock Lighthouse, is currently locked in an intense debate over whether to begin the training of possible new recruit Anthony Lakeskimmer, 19, after they sensed great fear in him.

“A fear of loss consumes him. He is too attached to friends and family, to the distractions of life” said Grand Master Sarah Strommen, clad in her official DNR forest green robes and bowing her head in deep meditation, “a true DNR officer desires not these things”.

“He must not be trained” agreed Council Member Kent Fisto, who appeared at the meeting via hologram due to being away settling a trade dispute in Hibbing. “His skills are indeed impressive but fear could cloud his ability to conserve and manage our state’s natural resources”.

Not all members of the council believe Lakeskimmer’s feelings are enough to disqualify him.

“He can recite all 162 species of fish native to Minnesota by memory! Could this boy be the one we have been waiting for?” Said Officer Max Wyndham, in reference to a DNR prophecy dating back decades that states that a powerful messianic figure would one day bring balance to the state’s various ecosystems. “If he is the one our forefathers sought, to deny him training could be disastrous!”

Lakeskimmer was discovered by DNR Officer Guy Don Jones. Jones and his apprentice were on a mission to rescue a rare Pink and White Lady’s Slipper from bounty hunters when their silver Nissan Titan broke down in Winona. While looking for a new exhaust gasket, they met Lakeskimmer – an Autozone employee and snowmobile racer who was studying a “Mammals of Minnesota” field guide while on his lunch break. Jones immediately sensed he was special. The Autozone manager agreed to give Jones the gasket for free and let Lakeskimmer be taken for DNR training if he won the 2021 Winona snowmobiling race, which he promptly did.

The Council’s hesitancy to train recruits who still harbor attachments to the outside world is not without reason. In 2012, a mysterious officer known as Garth Duncan became disillusioned with the DNR and formed a rival department with the sole, heinous goal of corrupting Minnesota’s Forests by spreading Dutch Elm Disease via an army of unmanned aerial vehicles in a destructive conflict known as the “Drone Wars”.