CALGARY — Multinational company Enbridge Inc. has announced it hopes to soon begin construction on Line 4, a new state-of-the-art oil pipeline meant to replace the outdated and derelict Line 3.
“Obviously, we can’t in good conscience just leave Line 3 sitting there,” said Enbridge CEO Al Monaco of the 3-week-old pipeline, “I mean, look at it – the thing is dangerous. It’s already spilled drilling fluid over 20 times.”
Governor Tim Walz has already issued a statement praising the upcoming project.
“This is an important environmental issue. We need to build a pristine, ultra-modern Line 4 so we don’t have to keep using Line 3” said Walz, “whoever let that deathtrap get built in the first place was incredibly negligent.”
Enbridge has not yet released a proposed route for Line 4.
“We’re still working on determining the best location,” said Enbridge Senior Vice President for Strategy Matthew Akman, “there’s still a few wetlands and sacred sites we didn’t get to build on last time.”
Enbridge says it is also committed to ultimately constructing Lines 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and so on until earth is but a sad, shriveled husk devoid of all life and the god Mammon is finally appeased.