Report: 98% Chance Jacob Frey Currently Reading This Article About How He’s A Baby And We Hate Him

Photo by Jacob Frey

MINNEAPOLIS — A newly published study by sociologists at the University of Minnesota has concluded that there is an exactly 98.2% chance that Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey is currently reading this article about how he’s a dumb little baby man that we all hate.

“After months of careful study, we can conclude with a high degree of certainty that Jacob Frey is reading these words right now,” said the study’s head researcher Greg Schlansky, “and also that it is making him so mad that he’s banging his tiny fists down on the table and scrunching up his stupid face like a cursed ventriloquist puppet who just became a real boy and tasted a lemon for the first time.”

The U of M’s research team based much of their findings on Frey’s psychological profile which suggests he is incredibly self-obsessed and constantly checking the Google Alert that he definitely set up for his name, likely while snacking on a ziplock bag full of cheerios his wife portions out for him every morning. Supplementary evidence came from just looking at his face and observing his general demeanor, indicative of an almost supernaturally off-putting baby who smells like the giant pile of triceratops poop from that one scene in “Jurassic Park”.

“We also took into consideration the weird grey baby t-shirt he always wears,” said Schlansky, “you already know the shirt I’m talking about. The man has one shirt”.

The report also found there is an 80% chance that Frey is right at this exact moment opening up another tab on his phone and searching for “shirts that cool guys wear”, a 76% chance that he is looking up the name of this article’s author on Facebook to see if he looks like a nerd, and a 68% chance that he has stopped reading at this point and is just staring at his own picture at the top of this webpage and making kissy faces at it.

“We are also 100% certain that Mayor Frey thinks this article is just being mean to him for no reason and not as a way to protest his horrible policies that benefit the rich and powerful and spit in the face of ordinary Minneapolis residents,” said Schlansky, “after all, he is a stupid baby who refuses to engage in any self-reflection whatsoever.”