ST PAUL — An audibly distressed former governor Jesse Ventura called current governor Tim Walz at approximately 3 AM last night asking if he’s been feeding the feral clone that he left living in the walls of the governor’s mansion in 2003.
“Oh shit. Oh fuck. I totally forgot about Jesse Jr, man. Have you been feeding him his raw steaks and Surge?” said Ventura according to a transcript of the call obtained by The Nordly. “He gets angry when he’s hungry, and when he gets angry, he freaks the fuck out and starts banging his head on everything and chewing through electrical wires”.
Ventura went on to explain that he had cloned himself using experimental WWE technology borrowed from Vince McMahon in an attempt to “govern twice as fast”.
Afraid of a fly landing in the cloning machine and creating a “fucked up Jeff Goldblum”, Ventura filled the mansion with hundreds of bullfrogs but then one of them got their DNA on a vial and the resulting clone “has a 12-foot tongue and can jump like fifty feet”.
“I tried to teach Jesse Jr how to talk and sign bills but then I gave him a belly rub and he shrieked, punched a hole in the wall, and then climbed into it,” said Ventura. “From then on, I just fed him by shoving stuff into one of the vents in my bedroom”.
“I told Mr Ventura I didn’t know what he was talking about and he started crying and saying ‘do clones go to heaven?’ And so I said ‘actually, yeah, Jesse, I hear something banging on the wall right now. He must have been scavenging in the kitchen at night’” said Walz. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it’s almost certainly long dead”.