MINNEAPOLIS — In what is being called an ‘unprecedented’ security breach, Minnesota-based foodstuffs manufacturer General Mills has admitted it accidentally sent an email containing the home addresses of over 7,000 customers who bought their products from online retailers to Cookie Crisp cereal mascot Chip the Wolf.
“Although Chip did open the email, he only had about 15 minutes to read the addresses until we realized what had happened and sent somebody to destroy his compromised computer,” said General Mills CEO Jeffrey Harmening, “unfortunately, Chip is a speed-reader with a photographic memory and an estimated IQ of 140 so if you’ve bought any cereals on Instacart in the last few years you might want to double lock your doors”.
When General Mills employees confronted him, Chip tore out his standard-issue General Mills tracking chip and went AWOL. However, the company wants to reassure the public that although if he were to for some reason come to a customer’s home, he would almost certainly just be there to “thank them for their support with an autograph or one of his delightful ‘Awooo!’s”.
“Our customers are in no danger. I can’t believe I’m saying this publicly – but he’s not even a wolf, he’s just a common Siberian Husky that we happened to retrieve from the ruins of a genetic laboratory in Tajikistan in the early 90s,” said Harmening.
General Mills confessed that the addresses were also sent to the email of Chef Wendell, the former mascot for Cinnamon Toast Crunch but insisted that “its probably fine because we’re 85% sure he died years ago.”
At press time, General Mills’ website had gone offline and was replaced with a disquieting GIF of Chip the Wolf’s eery laughing face and a chyron displaying the statement “STAND BY AND WATCH THE COOKIE CRUMBLE”.