As we all know, Hanukkah is coming up so dust off the dreidels and horde all the candles, because we’re about to rock that menorah like it’s 5760! But while we’re kicking back latkes and arguing over which of the endless Hanukkah movies we have to watch (just please don’t let it be 8 Crazy Nights again, Uncle Ari), we can’t help but notice that the fourth day (5th night) is a federal holiday. How come I can’t mail out my yearly 4th day fish to my zeyde in Florida? Well I did some research, and what I found out was troubling, to say the least.
Apparently, this year of ALL YEARS, Hanukkah falls on—get this—the holiday of “Chris Mass”. So several years ago some local boy kept a little unkosher, apprenticed under his adopted father as a carpenter (good profession), then became your average, fly-by-night rabbi. His name was Joseph Chris. There was a whole book about him in Greek, and then translated into Latin, and then into olde English, then into New English, while the rabbi himself spoke Aramaic.
Who knows what’s been deep fried and lost in this G-d forsaken book aside from the names. Long story EVEN LONGER, the goyim call this particular rabbi Jesus Christ, and laude him like he’s the second coming of Elijah because he flipped over some tables at shul and then got stapled to a tree. I feel bad for him, really!
I just don’t see why he has to interrupt our quaint little eating festival. And this isn’t even about that time he ruined Passover by making his 12 best friends drink his blood, they apparently celebrate that in the spring when the moon is full. Chris Mass is to commemorate the day he was born, which was in a barn, like some schmuck who can’t even close the door. Uncle Ari was born in a barn, and that’s probably why he likes Adam Sandler so much!
The worst part is that instead of blaming the government who executed him in the first place, they blame us for the whole thing. Buuuuuuut what else is new, just pile it on everything else we’re blamed for.
Anyway, it’s gonna be one for the ages! L’chayim.