Dreadlocked White Man’s Kwanzaa Wish is to Be Asked What He Knows About Kwanzaa


MAPLEWOOD — Sources close to Lucas Weiss’ ugly sweater party report that dreadlocked white man, Ethan Robards, is aggressively hoping someone will ask him about Kwanzaa.

Party-goers were alerted to the situation when Robards entered the two-bedroom apartment by yelling, “Harambee!” “Harambee” is the official motto of Kenya and not directly related to Kwanzaa.

“I don’t really feel like it’s my place to comment on his hair,” commented guest Kylie Olmstead, a white woman herself. “Besides, I think he would just turn it into a weird thing about how he celebrates Kwanzaa instead of Christmas now.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a friend of Robards’ from high school disclosed that Mr. Robards converted his man bun to dreadlocks right after senior year, around the same time he began pointedly using the word “Ujima” in conversation.

“Hey vibe this, fam: the seven of us from Maplewood High class of 2014, fam, we’re like the seven principles of Kwanzaa,” Robards announced, pointing to a lacrosse team picture on the wall.

“Yeah I’m just trying to avoid him by not going over there,” said a party-goer on the condition of anonymity. “I guess he went to high school with Lucas or something? At first, I thought he might be multi-racial but then I noticed he’s wearing a reindeer dashiki. I don’t want to ask him but I’m pretty sure that is not what happens on Kwanzaa.”

At press time, partygoers were downing their drinks in discomfort as Robards eagerly approached the only black woman at the party.