BREAKING: CHRIS PRATT LIVED IN MN FOR, LIKE, 36 MONTHS
Chris Pratt — an actual celebrity who is alive — lived here. In Minnesota. For multiple months. And not only did he live here, he was mother fucking BORN HERE in Virginia, MN. So boot up that computer and CTRL + V his face onto our state flag cuz our StarLORD and SAVIOR is, in his…
Photo by Gage Skidmore
TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND HOLD ONTO YOUR GRAPE SALAD, CAUSE WE’VE GOT SOME BREAKING NEWS.
Chris Pratt — an actual celebrity who is alive — lived here. In Minnesota. For multiple months. And not only did he live here, he was mother fucking BORN HERE in Virginia, MN. So boot up that computer and CTRL + V his face onto our state flag cuz our StarLORD and SAVIOR is, in his deepest truth, a Minnesotan.
As Minnesotans, we are contractually obligated to claim — desperately and with reckless abandon — any celebrity who existed within our state borders for even just barely enough time to count at all. And since Mr. Christopher Michael Pratt lived here for more than a literal second, that’s GOOD ENOUGH FOR US! Our bar is low.
Can we name something after him so he’ll talk about us a little, or even, like, AT ALL?? Have St. Paul, Mr. Pratt! We’ll call it St. Pratt BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. (Also, fuck St. Paul!) Who even is Paul? Spoiler Alert: no one cares! But you can bet your mother fucking life savings that people will care about St. Pratt!
In conclusion, we’re popping Pratt in the “W” column, because a celebrity birth within state lines doesn’t happen often and we must desperately grab on to anything our cold hands can cling to.