Goldilocks (R-Edina) Claims Walz Rebate Checks “Too Small”, Free School Lunch Program “Too Big”, Hypocritical Yammering “Just Right”
ST. PAUL — Rebate checks of $260 for individuals and $520 for married couples are currently making their way to Minnesota taxpayers but one state representative doesn’t think the amount is big enough to actually help her constituents.
“They’re not giving us back enough of our money,” said Edina Republican Goldilocks. “These rebate checks are too small, yet the Walz free lunch school program is too big. It reminds me of the time I accidentally wandered into my neighbor’s mansion after a late night legislative session. The beds were too big and the mimosas were too small.”
The family in question, the Treybears, declined to press charges at the time but, when asked for comment, disagreed with the representative’s assertions. “If the mimosas were so bad, why did she drink fifteen bottles?” growled August Treybear, the family patriarch. “She was inebriated when she left. Broke all our chairs, too!”
When informed of the Treybears’ response, Representative Goldilocks said via email: “I would like to remind voters that I am a Republican. Hypocritical yammerings are par for the course for my supporters, and juuuuust right for the great state of Minnesota.”
Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.