How to Not Feel Insecure that the Birds in Your Front Yard are Having More Sex Than You

In spring, much of the natural world is busy spreading pollen and spreading their legs, especially the birds that live in the front yard. If the birds bonking it directly in your eyeline day in and day out are getting you down, here are some tips on how to not feel insecure that the birds in your front yard are having more sex than you.

  1. Be Heard!

    Stave off those feathered fornicators by using the power of sound. Make a recording listing all known information about bird STIs. As soon as you see them fouling up your front yard, play your informational recording at full volume until they get so turned off that they’ll have no choice but to leave your yard and mind at ease.
  1. Make a Fashion Statement

    While we can’t suggest directly preventing the birds in your front yard from porking, there’s something indirect you can do that might just kill their free-flapping mood—create a shirt with a picture of your thumbs on it. Birds don’t have opposable thumbs which they’re super insecure about. So the next time you see a couple of avian thrusters in your front yard, put this shirt on and give them two thumbs way up and their stupid little libidos will go way down!
  1. Put In an Application

    If the birds won’t listen to you, they will have to answer to a higher power—God! To make those sinful songbirds stop shtupping, put in an application to turn your house or apartment building into a convent. Once the nuns start rolling in, the flagrant free-loving birds will have no other choice than to respect your home’s new sanctity and put an end to their hanky-panky once and for all.

There you have it! Three easy ways that you can tell the birds in your front yard to stop doing it all the time because you currently aren’t. Besides, the average lifespan of a sparrow is 2-5 years so while they may be doing the nasty now, they’ll be dead soon enough and you’ll get to fuck for the rest of your life!