Black Woman Sacrifices, Dates White Man to Secure Boat for Her Friends This Summer

MINNETONKA 一 A group of three friends is preparing for a Hot Girl Summer spent on Lake Minnetonka, thanks to one member of the group who is begrudgingly dating a white man to ensure she and her friends have boat access for the duration of the summer. 

Every spring, the friends pull straws to determine who will make the sacrifice. Amaya Jones, one of three individuals in the friend group, was selected this year to date a white man that the group found from Hinge.

“I’m not surprised I got picked,” said Jones. “Just disappointed. I’m glad my friends will have a good summer, but I don’t know how many more times I can listen to this man talk about how he dapped up Waka Flocka Flame at Derby Days in 2014. Like, move on.”

To ease the pain of having to date a white man, the friends all participated in the selection process. 

“We carefully filtered through Hinge profiles, searching for employed white men with boats who looked like they could shut the fuck up for the most part,” said Alexis Dorsey. “Our research and experience shows us that there is a high incidence of men named Jake, Jack or Joe that have boats. However, they talk too damn much. Ryans’ and Sams’ usually just shut up and drive.”

“Last summer, I dated a man named Matt, who talked a bit too much about NHL video games, which he calls ‘Chel’, and how it was great that I liked him for him and not for his money unlike all the other girls he dated,” said friend and boat beneficiary, Hanna Osei. “He was a bit of a chatty patty but he drove the boat, and that’s all that we needed him for.”

Amaya intends to end the unconscionable contract with her pretend boyfriend on September 1 of this year.