Now this is heartbreaking. Cornelius Blünderbuss, the 112 year old inventor of “Duck Duck Grey Duck” who hasn’t been seen in public in over 80 years, has revealed he’s developed a new children’s game called “Brown Egg” but it’s a total mess that makes absolutely no sense.
It’s been long assumed that Blünderbuss has been living a life of pleasant seclusion in his mansion on Lake Minnetonka ever since his classic game took the state by storm in the 1930s but it turns out he’s spent this entire time laboring over a sequel.
By the sound of it, however, it seems pretty obvious that he’s wasted his life working on an overly ambitious, incomprehensible game full of bizarre rules that could only come from a near century of obsession without any outside input and a declining mind.
The absurdly long list of the game’s 349 rules and regulations written down in an illuminated manuscript resembling a Medieval Bible.
And oh boy are they a doozy…
As far as we can tell, to play “Brown Egg”, you need at least 40 players all sitting in intersecting circles like the Olympic ring logo. A team of six players (or seven depending on the positioning of an antiquated constellation apparently called “An Irishman Carrying A Sack Of Plums”) must then decide on which 12 seated players to name “Brown Eggs”, “Ruffians”, or “Chicken Liver Stews” via a 45-minute symposium that begins and ends with the singing of “We’re Going to Hang out the Washing on the Siegfried Line”, a patriotic WWII anthem.
From there, things go even further off the rails. The next 50 pages describe a dizzying array of tasks that involve running, skipping, head butting, pie eating, snake handling and something called “ladder wrestling”.
Some of the rules were clearly written during a month-long LSD binge in the New Mexico desert in the 1960s that resulted in such strange rules like “Don’t kiss Jackie O- SHE’S A MIRAGE”, “Don’t try to eat a scorpion” and “DO NOT travel to the desert to take LSD because you think it will give you insight into the game you’re making- IT DOES NOT WORK”.
At least 40 rules directly contradict rules that came before and one requires that Blünderbuss himself be in attendance and that every player pitch in “a nickel for my transport from my home and back via luxury train car”.
“I am proud to announce that my new game is an extravagant sport called ‘Brown Egg’ and it makes ‘Duck Duck Grey Duck’ look like tommyrot!” said Blünderbuss, utilizing a dated term meaning ‘nonsense’, “I order everyone to stop playing ‘Duck Duck Grey Duck’ and start playing the superior ‘Brown Egg’ posthaste!”
Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.
Blünderbuss then illustrated his point by pulling an actual brown egg he’d confusingly labeled “Duck Duck Grey Duck” from his mink overcoat, setting it on a stool in front of him, and smashing it with an ivory cane – an act which took him several tries due to his frail centenarian arms.