Due to the rise of Covid-19 cases, the CDC has recommended that Americans don’t travel home for the holidays this year. This means that if you’re far away from your family, you’ll be missing out on the thing that lets you know you’re home sweet home: unwanted criticism from your immediate and distant relatives. In order to regain that holiday spirit, here are some helpful tips on how you can receive those special, unwanted critiques that will make you feel like you’re sitting by a Christmas fire.
1. Post your political opinions on Twitter
Missing your racist uncle Jerry? Recreate those tense, political arguments over Thanksgiving dinner by tweeting your political views. Even a tweet such as, “I believe we should all be treated equal”, will receive comments from 40-year-old white men responding, “Idiot”. There’s nothing quite like that warm, fuzzy feeling of intolerance.
2. Get high and try to act normal around old people.
Your cousin Taylor always thinks it’s a great idea to get really wasted before Thanksgiving dinner. It isn’t. In that same spirit, smoke a joint and then go to the park and have a socially distanced conversation. Nothing screams holiday cheer like passive-aggressive comments from Baby Boomers.
3. Try on leggings at a Lululemon fitting room
If you have the kind of aunt who constantly asks, “Do you really need another serving of potatoes?”, this is the way to go. The employees will see your quarantine gut and passive-aggressively ask you about your fitness routine. It feels like Aunt Hilda is really there!
4. Try on leggings at a Lululemon fitting room ALONE
Nothing screams “I’m back home” like having your grandma ask you why you’re still single. Not only will the Lululemon staff criticize you for your out of shape body, but they will also shout, “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!” as you walk out the door. It’s like a two for one Black Friday deal.
5. Be a woman.
If all else fails, the best way to get that sweet, down-home, unwanted criticism is by calling your mother. Because no one knows how to push your buttons the way she does.