Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and so are Aunt Nancy and Uncle Richard (Dick) with their “famous” unseasoned scalloped potatoes, the same Old Navy holiday cardigans they’ve worn for the past 7 years, and their notoriously racist takes.
Ever since last year’s Thanksgiving debacle where Aunt Nancy stated: “I’m not racist, I couldn’t be! I once dated a Black man to get back at my Peepaw for not letting me take his convertible to the drive-in back in ‘78!”, it’s been of the utmost importance to find any way to get out of this years’ impending holiday catastrophe. However, escaping bigotry can be tough if you don’t have a good hiding spot. So, here are 5 cute places in your home to hide from your racist ass aunties and uncles, their bland ass potatoes, and their whack ass opinions.
1. Behind the curtains
A classic, time-tested hiding spot. Similar to a veil of shame and embarrassment, these curtains are the perfect place to hide when you’re not feeling brave enough to stand up to your racist relatives, or when you’re struggling to believe that, yes indeed, these are your actual family members.
2. Inside your parents’ bedroom closet
Childhood memories of hide and seek flood your psyche as you retreat to a once familiar hiding place. Feel free to wrap yourself in your father’s tropical shirt that he wears at inappropriate times as an extra layer of protection from intolerance.
3. In the basement fridge
This is where your parents store the non-craft beer and the ring-necked pheasants pre-taxidermy, and trust – no one likes Michelob Ultra. You’re in the clear in this fridge.
4. In the seasoning cabinet
As a matter of fact, they don’t even know that this cabinet exists!
5. On top of the garage door
Hold on tight! Grab the handles on the garage door, and get your lil’ cousin to press the button so you can slide your way up to the top of the garage. Stay there to avoid any white nonsense that may ensue during this colonizer-ass holiday.
Thanks to these snowflake-tested, sheep-approved hiding spots, you certainly won’t be found this Thanksgiving. Happy hiding!