I’m Polyamorous!’ Explains Man Currently Pissing Off 3 Different Women

SAINT PAUL—  After three blowout arguments in a single day, local man Cade Larson has come forward in order to explain how and why he’s angered the three women who are currently fuming mad with him.

“I’m poly!” said Larson. “Why would I commit myself to a single partnership that has to be treated with care and respect, when instead I can expect multiple women to date me? Yeah, my partners have complained that I’m bad at communication. I can be flaky. I’m selfish in bed. But I’m poly. I don’t know what else to tell them.”

Sources close to him have said that Larson and his primary partner, Kendra Donahue, most recently had an argument about their shared utility bill. When asked about the rumors, Larson was quick to dispel any fault on his part.

“Honestly, it’s so regressive of her feminist ideals to ask me for money. I told her that if she was going to be that low-vibrational, I’d just spend the night at Riley’s [Larson’s second partner] instead,” said Larson, who was actively swiping through Tinder. 

Larson’s polyamory has been cited as a “resolving factor” in numerous arguments with his partners, ranging from concerns about his personal hygiene to a weekend bender that ended in a DUI and barfighting charges. 

“Lots of women who’ve been raised under the tyranny of monogamy have a difficult time adjusting to the lifestyle,” explained Larson, who was watching YouTube while his girlfriend Jaida asked him for the fifth time if he was even listening to her. 

At press time, Larson was crafting an email to the IRS explaining that not including “polyamorous” as a filing status exempts him from paying taxes, and trying to figure out how he could start dating Donahue’s mother without it being “a whole thing.”