Is Your New Landlord 21 Squirrels In A Trench Coat?

We’ve all had a bad landlord: one who never returns your calls and ignores your maintenance requests. But suddenly, you have a new landlord. Who knows why! But you’re suspicious. This landlord seems…different. Odd, even. And he always seems to be hiding small amounts of nuts and seeds around your house. If your hunch is correct, your new landlord isn’t “Sam”, like the name tag that’s crookedly affixed to his trench coat would lead you to believe. No, you’re pretty sure “Sam” is 21 squirrels in a trench coat.

How can you be sure, though? Here’s four questions to ask yourself:

1) Does “Sam” ever speak?

If not, that’s not necessarily an indicator. He might just be a gruff, silent type. And it’s possible he lost his tongue in a freak cross country skiing accident. Or maybe it’s because his mouth is painted on a mannequin head held aloft by 21 squirrels in a trench coat. Painted mouths can’t talk.

2) Does “Sam” have multiple tails?

Your average landlord has 0 tails. Perhaps, every one in a million has a small vestigial tail leftover from a birth defect. But if Sam the landlord has multiple bushy tails bursting out of sleeves, his neckline, and between buttons, there’s a good chance those tails are attached to some of the 21 squirrels surely hiding in a trench coat.

3) When he leaves, does “Sam” just head directly into the forest?

After his business is said and done, a regular landlord will head to their residence, whether down the block or a short car ride away. If your landlord “Sam” is in fact, 21 squirrels in a trench coat (still holding up that mannequin head), then it makes perfect sense that they head directly into the deep, untamed woods— where no human dares to tread—behind your residence.

4) Does “Sam” stop for a snack at the birdfeeder?

When heading past your place, your regular landlord might stop in to chat.. But 21 squirrels in a trench coat will head over to your birdfeeder, hold up one empty “arm hole” to the feeder, and let each of the squirrels take turns racing up and down from inside of the coat to grab their share. They’re always quick. They need to finish and “walk” wordlessly past you, into your house to hide the birdfeed. That way the  greedy 47 cardinals in an evening gown can’t find where “Sam” keep their stash of food.

Clearly, it can be hard to know for sure if your landlord is 21 squirrels in the trench coat. All of these reasons could be simple misunderstanding or happenstance. Best to assume Sam is a normal human man. And normal human men can easily be asked to stop using your attic to store obscene amounts of acorns and seed that mysteriously disappeared by the end of winter. Or at least, be asked for a rent discount to compensate for it.