MINNEAPOLIS — With the mayoral election coming in just a few months Mayor Jacob Frey has decided to take special measures in order to secure a win, one of which involves him offering get out of jail free cards to any Minneapolis resident who takes a vow to not bully him.
“I get a lot of flack on the internet and at meetings I don’t attend, even some I do attend,” the Mayor told us while holding a silver card with an image of the Monopoly man wearing a Twins cap on it. “But I figure if I offer this, people will maybe think twice about criticizing me. This is the systematic change they tell me they want, please stop being mean to me!”
The get out of jail free cards are a part of a deal in which the receivers of the cards must sign a form stating they will not post, tweet, reply, speak, or cast spells against him. This is a move some of his critics (mainly those who have been arrested for protesting the mayor) say is “the wackest shit of all time”, and also “proof this dude needs to get pantsed”.
“Instead of offering get out jail cards he could just try and figure out a way for the cops to stop arresting people at the rates that they do ”, said local activist Ky Ober. “Did he really use taxpayer dollars to make silver monopoly cards? We literally just want affordable housing!”
At press time the mayor was getting ready for a photoshoot of himself dressed as the Monopoly man, hoping that Minneapolis residents would find it “Cute”.