Jason Lewis Tests Negative for COVID-19, Basic Human Decency

“We are very proud to report that the former Congressman is devoid of empathy or kindness of any kind, traits our voters identify as “liberal” and “gay”,” said Allen Peters, director of public relations for the campaign.


Photo by U.S. House Office of Photography/House

Photo by U.S. House Office of Photography/House

Officials from the Jason Lewis for Senate campaign announced Thursday that the candidate has tested negative for COVID-19, and along with that, any trace of compassion for other people.

“We are very proud to report that the former Congressman is devoid of empathy or kindness of any kind, traits our voters identify as “liberal” and “gay”,” said Allen Peters, director of public relations for the campaign.

“Congressman Lewis is the kind of candidate our support base has voted for time and again: a merciless archfiend with a shriveled, blackened heart and an empty husk for a soul. In other words, very electible.” 

At press time, Peters was working on a plan to boost Lewis’ polling by having the former Congressman swallow a baby whole.