Juul Labs, Inc., unveiled its new breast milk flavor in a press conference yesterday at Lyndale Elementary playground in Minneapolis.
“We’re simply responding to customer demand,” said Verne the Venerable Vape Vole, Juul’s lovable mascot and customer outreach coordinator. “Our adult clientele is always looking for the newest, hippest flavor, whether it’s Fandango Mango or Birthday Party Cotton Candy Crunchsicle.”
Attorney General Keith Ellison has come out against the company’s latest offering, “Mother Love,” a flavor that Ellison claims is chemically designed to remind a user of nursing at their mother’s breast.
“I have never seen such a morally bankrupt corporation be so insensitive to our most vulnerable citizens,” Ellison said.
“WHO DOESN’T LIKE MOTHERS?!” Verne the Vole shot back, to the children’s wild cheers. Verne high-fived the children as they came close to pet his soft fur.
Juul, released computer simulation research purporting to show that infants vaping Mother Love could potentially recognize shapes and colors sooner than their peers. “Not that we would ever market to infants,” the report clarified. “Vaping products are strictly for adults. Cool, popular, rebellious adults. Influencers, you know? Like 18-year-old scout leaders.”
As the press conference came to a close, representatives shot Mother Love onesies out of a T-shirt cannon, and handed out Verne the Venerable Vape Vole comic books and video games. A Saturday morning cartoon is planned for Spring.