Local Woman Waiting For Just The Right Moment To Drop Pseudo-Pagan Belief System On Unsuspecting Coworkers

COTTAGE GROVE —  After three months of steady employment at the Chuck & Don’s Pet Food And Supplies store, local pseudo-pagan Melanie Harris is waiting for just the right moment to reveal her belief system to her wholly unsuspecting coworkers. 

“Your average slave to the American Christianity complex wouldn’t even understand my work with the Goddess,” said Harris, who was wearing labradorite crystal earrings and a pendant with a Baphomet head on it. “So I’ve just been keeping it to myself until I know that I can trust these people. Don’t want another Salem, if I can help it.” 

Harris, who has been known to keep essential oils and rocks with strange symbols carved into them in her work apron, is reportedly well respected by her colleagues at Chuck & Don’s for her work ethic and ability to learn job duties quickly, despite the murky nature of her religious beliefs.  

“Goth Melanie? Yeah, we love her,” said co-worker Sharon Oller. “It’s impossible to get her to cover shifts when the Renaissance Fair is going on, but other than that she’s been great.” 

At time of publication, Harris was caught laughing after a coworker asked what she was doing for Halloween. “What AREN’T I doing this Samhain, Julian?”