Lol! This Guy Thinks It’s Almost Spring

My buddy Brian Bantz moved to Minnesota in August with his wife Courtney. Brian, who has lived in Georgia his whole life, seems to think since it’s almost March that this weather will finally break. For that, we at the construction site have started calling him “Baby Brian”, even though he’s easily 15 years older than all of us.

“Punxsatawny Phil said we’d have an early spring!” says Baby Brian (or if you’re nasty, Triple B). Cute: he thinks the same rules that apply in Pennsylvania apply to Minnesota! He’s under the impression that just because we have one day in the 40’s next week that we won’t have a fucking devastating blizzard in April. Must be nice living somewhere that never bothers to check the weather forecast. Gotta give it to Triple B (yeah, I’M nasty), he’s an optimist. 

Regardless, judging by his extremely strained smile, he seems to have taken this winter the hardest. He’s hiding the fact that he totaled his Hyundai Elantra in Uptown during the first snowfall, got a flu that broke through his yearly shot, pulled his shoulder simply by trying to get into his own house because his doorknob was frozen shut, on top of his wife abruptly leaving to move back to Georgia. “She’s very warm blooded” he said in between wheezes, obviously leaving out a lot of details. We can’t tell if he’s still getting over the flu or if he’s profoundly sad. Could be both!

To this day, Baby Brian Bantz has yet to buy a proper coat, insisting his Braves jersey is all he needs. Whenever we try to convince him that, no, you need a coat, even indoors, he just retorts “It’s mid February! I’ll have to hang up my new coat next week!” Since biffing it pretty hard on the ice yesterday, he’s mostly just using his jersey as a sling for his arm. “Happens, right?” He’s also under the impression he’s our age. “Besides, they’d cancel work if it gets TOO cold, right?” We all laughed and laughed. At least Triple B’s funny!

While hauling concrete with his good arm down a flight of stairs, Baby Brian catches his breath before saying “I just wish old Gus coulda seen Minnesota in the springtime.” He then starts talking about how he left his dog outside overnight and how the ground is apparently too hard to bury him now, but honestly I stopped paying attention because I just got a job offer to work in an office, so fuck him! I’m outta here!