Lucky! 13-Year-Old U of M Graduate Has Nine Extra Years to Pay Off Student Loans!
MINNEAPOLIS — The University of Minnesota was proud to hand a bachelor’s degree in Physics to 13-year-old Elliott Tanner from St. Louis Park when he graduated with the rest of the Class of 2022. The university will also happily welcome the adolescent genius into their prestigious PhD program this fall. But the school’s most magnanimous gesture will undoubtedly be giving the Tanner family five extra years to tackle their soul-crushing mountain of student loan debt.
“Usually our students are required to start chipping away at that demoralizing financial obligation of $62,431 when they graduate at 22,” said the university’s financial aid director Dan Blackwell. “But because Elliott is only 13, he’ll have oodles of time to scrimp, save, and enjoy instant noodles for every foreseeable meal. What a blessing!”
Elliott’s parents are proud of their son’s achievements, but are wary of the financial burden.
“We are so impressed with our young scholar, and are thrilled he is pursuing what he loves.” said Elliott’s mother, Michelle. “And if these grants don’t come through, it looks like I’ll be pursuing a part time job at Marshalls.”
For now, the Tanners will make do by giving up non-essentials like takeout, family vacations, and health insurance.
“They’re an inspiration to all of us here at the U of M,” said Blackwell. “Don’t forget that additional $90,000 for Elliott’s doctoral program! How lucky can one family be?”
Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.