Man Living Under Literal Rock to Be Selected for Chauvin Jury

MINNEAPOLS — A man who has been living under a literal rock for five decades has been selected as the 8th juror for the Derek Chauvin Trial. The man has resided under the same boulder outside of Anoka since the day he was born. 

Judge Cahill was thrilled with this newest selection, especially after reading his initial questionnaire. When asked about his primary news source, the man stated “the moon cycles”. 

When asked about his use of social media platforms, he wrote “I tend to socialize with my best friend, Rocky the raccoon”. The Beatles reference was, unsurprisingly, a coincidence.  

According to Judge Cahill, all of these responses were a happy relief. “It is still a mystery how he knows the English language,” said Cahill “but shit, he truly is the only person in the world who has never heard of the case. Now we just need six more people just like him.”