After attempting to nonchalantly avert his eyes from yet another costumed fairgoer’s immense, corseted bosom, embarrassed sixth-grader Cayden Hansen, 12, admitted to himself that he had not mentally prepared himself for the sheer amount of cleavage he’d witness while at the Renaissance Festival with his parents.
Immediately upon entering the festival grounds, Hansen was inundated by a near constant onslaught of some of the most bodacious breasts he’d ever seen, further accentuated by era-appropriate corsets and revealing fairy outfits. “This whole day has been super awkward,” explained Cayden, “we saw some cool knights and swords and stuff but mostly I’ve been trying not to stare at any boobs.”
Making matters worse, Cayden is reportedly still in the process of recovering after a traumatic incident several weeks ago in which his mother asked if Emma from soccer was his girlfriend.
“If they notice me looking too long at anything here, it’d be like that… times 1,000”, said the red-faced child, erroneously adding “plus these ladies are like 60” in reference to women his mother’s age and younger.
At press time, while discussing whether or not to order another turkey leg, Cayden’s father offhandedly mentioned his preference for “breast meat” causing the already stressed Cayden to nearly pass out.