MASON CITY, IA — On a trip down south to pick up a trailer he found on Craiglist, Rochester native Bob Walsh is currently wandering around the liquor aisle of a gas station convenience store, his mouth agape, filled with an overpowering sense of childlike wonder at the beauty of this strange and extraordinary planet.
“I didn’t think such marvels were possible,” thought Walsh while pinching his arm to confirm it wasn’t all just a pleasant dream, “I didn’t even have to walk through a separate door to get here!”
For nearly five entire minutes, Walsh strolled up and down the aisle, not looking to purchase anything in particular but simply basking in the smells and sounds of this futuristic paradise where alcohol could be purchased mere feet from where beef jerky and nacho cheese Bugles could also be purchased, with not a single brick wall separating them.
At one point, Walsh picked up a bottle of green apple flavored Smirnoff and held it to the light as if checking a counterfeit bill.
“Wow! It’s not even watered down to 3.2%!” said Walsh, “will wonders never cease?”
Some moments later, Walsh reportedly strolled over to a sign affixed to the wall that displayed the liquor section’s hours of operations. He soon found himself reaching out and brushing his fingers softly, almost erotically, over the words “Sun 6 AM – 2 AM”, his whole being filled with hope for humanity.
“What will man conceive of next? Flying cars? A cure for cancer?” thought Walsh.
“Legal cannabis, perhaps?” He added with a chuckle.
“Maybe one day… Maybe one day,” he thought, clutching a bottle of 99 Cherries, staring out the window at the sun setting over the horizon as a single tear of joy escaped his hope-filled eyes.