Wolves Still Confirming Date to Shatter Fan Dreams

MINNEAPOLIS — The Minnesota Timberwolves, fresh off a series of preseason wins against the Pelicans, Nuggets and Clippers, are yet to confirm a date to shatter fans’ dreams and kick off a season full of discordance.

Fans of the Timberwolves are constantly primed to be let down, but several Wolves supporters are reeling with hope after an exciting preseason debut with good defense for once. 

“They’re looking like contenders this year,” says Aubrey Leal, a longtime Wolves fan who may also be in a derealized, dream-like state. “I’m looking forward to the rest of the season, and to seeing them win the Western Conference Finals, 4-0.”

Experts who have studied the teams’ performance over the years are puzzled, wondering when the Timberwolves will decide to devastate us all, per their annual cadence.

“Historically, the Wolves opt to break our hearts during the first preseason game, to help us manage our expectations,” said analyst Jordan Jones. “But now that they still have not picked a disappointment date, fans will be saying things like ‘this is a different Wolves team’ or ‘they’re hungry’ or ‘don’t sleep on the Timberwolves’ or ‘aw, they deserve this’ for longer than they normally would.”

As for projections?

“The one thing these athletes do well is over-perform when it literally could not matter less,” said Jones. “I predict that their confirmed disappointment date will coincide with the beginning of the regular season. I hope I’m wrong, but when it comes to their annual dismay and sorrow percentage, the Wolves are usually spot-on.”