WINONA — It’s easy to be starstruck by a local celebrity! But luckily for all of the star-chasers out there, we caught Minnesota Senator Amy Kloubuchar ripping into an invasive carp with her hands and teeth, just like we all do.
Kloubuchar was spotted on the banks of the Mississippi early last Tuesday, wading up to her knees and searching the murky waters for a tasty asian carp.
“At first, I was like, ‘Hey, what’s that woman in a navy suit doing in the river?’ but then I realized it was good ol’ Amy looking to catch her breakfast,” said the Nordly’s source at the scene.
Kloubachar reportedly used old-school carp-calling techniques to lure the fish towards her, before lunging into the freezing waters of the Mississippi to wrestle a 30 pound blackhead carp from the depths. Our source says that Kloubachar did not bash the creature’s head against the rocks in order to subdue it (like an amateur), but instead chose to rip directly into it with her teeth while the fish was still struggling. Furthermore, it is reported that Klobuchar allowed a fair amount of blood to run down her chin as she sucked the precious organ meats out of the fish’s belly, which pooled in the river like a dark cloud.
“Honestly, you don’t see many city-folk going after carp the way Senator Kloubuchar does,” said our source. “It’s comforting to know that her time in national politics hasn’t changed her into some coastal elite.”
By the time our source was able to get a closer vantage point, Kloubachar had completely eviscerated the invasive fish. After catching and hand-gutting roughly six more carp, Klobuchar appeared to be pleased with her triumph over nature and exited the river. The last we saw was her wiping the blood from her hands on a nearby aide and tossing a mutilated fish carcass at her campaign manager.