Fighting back against accusations that their party doesn’t care about working-class concerns, the Minnesota Republican Party has just amended their official platform to include a call for a substantial increase in the minimum wage – to 25 cool-looking rocks an hour.
“Minnesotans are struggling and Democrats who support a $15 minimum wage are simply not thinking big enough,” said GOP Deputy Chair Carleton Crawford, “the hard-working people of this state deserve at least 25 awesome rocks, agates, and bits of gravel an hour that they can carry around in the pockets all day to show their friends.”
Crawford later added, “and in the end, is not providing joy to those close to us more important than money?”
The unexpected but deft political maneuvering has put the DFL on the defensive.
“How exactly are we going to pay for this?” asked DFL Chairman Ken Martin, “Who is going to be finding these cool rocks? And what criteria will they be using to determine ‘cool’? Also, this has to be unconstitutional or something, right?”
The GOP did not officially respond to Martin’s questions but did publish an exhaustive 130-page list of types of rocks deemed cool, sick, or dope, including perfectly smooth skippers, rocks with tiny little shell fossils in them, and ones that look kinda like Bart Simpson if you really squint.
In response to critics of the proposal who bring up the fact that cool rocks cannot be exchanged for goods and services, former senate leader and current gubernatorial candidate Paul Gazelka responded by saying “sounds like someone is just jealous” before showing reporters a neat little pebble reportedly shaped like the Millennium Falcon.
The GOP also announced they support giving CEOs 400,000 of the most mind-blowingly awesome rocks in existence per hour (in addition to their current earnings) citing that “they wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out”.