It’s rare that an impulse purchase changes the course of one’s life. Even a big purchase usually only results in a headache when it comes time to balance your checkbook. However, I was one of the lucky few who were able to purchase a 12-foot-tall plastic skeleton from Home Depot, and now, beautiful goth women will not leave me alone.
Within an hour of proudly setting up my gigantic skeletal son against the oak tree, two death-white women wearing flowing black dresses stood across the street and stared, languidly smoking clove cigarettes. I waved to them in an attempt at being neighborly, and a thick cloud of black flies erupted from their mouths, covering their bodies. When they finally dissipated, the beautiful goth women were gone.
It didn’t stop there though. The next night, there were three more hot goths milling around my front lawn. They brought those tiny pumpkins and placed them at my skeleton’s feet, like an offering. The following morning, my garden was filled with platform boot footprints. My bluetooth speaker’s even started playing Bauhaus at a deafening volume whenever one of these bodacious raven-haired babes is nearby, whether I want it to or not.
Honestly, I’m pretty flattered. I love alt-chicks. And it is the season, after all. Sure, last night one of them was hovering by my second story bedroom window, eyes reflecting like a cat’s, and yeah, that scared me pretty bad, but hey- who doesn’t like a little female attention now and then? And today, there’s like, ten sexy, gaunt, tall, beautiful and not-quite-human goth women circling my lawn skeleton, chanting in unknown tongues. The only phrases I can pick out are “sacrifice”, “human sacrifice”, and “thine fleshy father of purchase will be sacrificed in order that you may be free,” but I’m assuming it’s a Norwegian death metal track I haven’t heard yet. Whatever, I picked up some Pinot Noir and I’m about to go invite these foxes to join me in a little libation!
So take it from me, folks: If you want a bunch of frightening, ethereal, and totally bangin’ goth women to flock to your front yard, skip the painted nails and the clinical depression. All you need is to get yourself a giant plastic skeleton for them to worship with fire and blood.