Following months of dialogue with community members, the Minneapolis Police Department announced today that it will add “paid administrative leave” to its list of essential job duties.
On top of common police procedures, new hires will have to demonstrate their ability to turn in their weapon and badge for a two-week period, and show they have a relative on file that they can stay with during a use-of-force investigation.
“The Minneapolis Police Department wants trainees to be fully prepared for everything that comes with the job,” said Communications Director Jill Fromm. “Policing is constantly evolving, and this is a necessary step toward the future.”
In addition to learning the standard driving maneuvers and self-defense techniques, MPD recruits will be taught how to properly refuse to speak to the media while your house is barricaded off by the National Guard, and pretend that you didn’t know the difference between a gun and taser.
Current officers will also need new training to meet job requirements, effective immediately. Select courses will cover physical endurance, mental stability, and how to reorganize your Netflix cue while you get paid full salary to sit at home despite having destroyed an innocent person’s life.
“We must all be on the same page when it comes to training, and the department thanks the community for their patience while we implement these changes,” said Fromm. “We want our officers to be best at all times, and statistically they will be spending a lot of time on administrative leave after brutalizing people.”
Fromm finished by saying that the department is always looking for ways to improve, so be sure to reach out, either by phone, or by attending an inevitable gathering outside a nearby station when shit hits the fan.