“Whew, now THAT was a day!” said MPD officer Melanie Schnellgruber, as she drops her vest equipped with numerous zip ties, nightsticks, cans of mace, tasers, and firearms to the floor. “But man it feels good to serve and protect the white, I mean, right people!”
After pouring some Mountain Dew: Code Red into her golden retriever Aireeyieghn’s thin blue line water bowl, Schnellgruber shares with us that while she feels her job is “the hardest in probably the whole entire world” there’s literally nothing else that she could see herself doing.
“I can’t believe that it just took three months of half watching training videos to learn how to uphold the white supremacist racial hierarchy.” Schnellgruber continued.; “ But boy, let me tell you, it still is exhausting to spend a whole day arresting, profiling, and harassing Black people. It’s a hard job, but the unearned privilege and wealth of white America relies on me, so it’s really fulfilling.”
Between incarcerating people experiencing homelessness and pepper-spraying peaceful protestors, it can be hard for Schnellgruber to find time for herself. But she finds creative ways to find moments of peace.
“I make about 4-5 Tik Toks a day in my squad car, just sharing with the world how awesome it is to be a cop and defend the oppressive power structures that form the bedrock of our society” she said.
“And if anyone happens to get hurt or loses their life while I am doing my job, that’s something they should have thought of before existing in white supremacist society.” Shnellgruber last said before getting in her squad car and speeding 60 miles per hour down a residential street.
At press time, it was confirmed that Schnellgruber had been promoted to captain after tasering what was later discovered to be a mailbox with its flag up which Schnellgruber initially thought was a “child making an obscene gesture at me.”