New Recruit Who Wants To Protect And Serve Can’t Wait To Pepper Spray Children

Minneapolis — As tensions persist in the city of Minneapolis after multiple police killings over the past year, many have taken on a negative view of law enforcement. But a young man from Osseo is pushing past that criticism and fulfilling his dream of not only helping to protect the people of the Twin Cities metro area, but also to pepper spray children so they fear him with every bone in their bodies. 

Tucker Frederickson, a 21-year-old veteran (we can’t say what he did in the Middle East but it was NOT good) has just been hired by MPD as a rookie and immediately put to work to protect Uptown businesses. Frederickson is on the front line helping local militia’s make citizens’ arrests, covering badge numbers, and getting paid well to have the ugliest buzz cut known to humanity. For some, this is a nightmare, but for Frederickson, a wet dream comes true.

“My whole life I’ve wanted to be a cop”, Frederickson told us while pepper spraying children in front of the remains of a peace garden in Uptown. “My favorite movie is Hot Fuzz. Favorite show is COPS. My favorite song is I Fought The Law. This is just a step toward a fruitful and noble career!”

While Frederickson arrested our photographer mid-conversation we learned from his very supportive wife Rebecca, who showed up with cookies and extra chemical munitions, what this moment means to him.

“Tuck’s literally dreamt of this his whole life. Like when he’s asleep he’ll say cute things like ‘You have the right to remain silent’ or ‘Im gonna mace you if you dont shut the fuck up’. I’m so proud of him!”

At press time, Fredrickson was spotted radioing for additional rubber bullets and taking ice cream cones from children under the guise of “collecting evidence”.