Nostalgic God to Unleash the Other Nine Plagues

SAINT LOUIS PARK — Appearing as a burning bush before bewildered onlookers near Cedar Lake Road, God has announced that after seeing the world react to COVID-19, God will be releasing the other nine plagues to coincide with the 3,460th anniversary of Passover.

“Gabriel and Michael have been razzing me about how I’m ‘going back to the well’, but when you want to send a message, you kill a guy’s cow and give him boils. I mean I’ll never forget the look on Pharaoh’s face when he spent three days slapping away locusts every ten seconds. I damn near pissed myself,“ said the omnipotent creator of the universe. 

“I set coronavirus upon the world and thought I’d leave it at pestilence, but with Passover approaching and, admittedly, I got into the Manischewitz again and thought ah the hell with it, let’s see how crazy everyone’s Seder gets when it’s pitch black for 24 hours. Maybe then they’ll stop treating each other like shit.”

While God was adamant on bringing back all ten plagues for an encore, some within his inner circle raised concerns.

“The whole point of Passover is to commemorate the Jews freedom from bondage, and the plagues were absolutely crucial in convincing Pharoah to let Moses lead the slaves out of Egypt. But this? It’s a glorified nostalgia tour. This is the Motley Crue of plagues,” said the Prophet Elijah. 

“I told him he should release some of the new plagues we’d been working on. I think the one where everyone grows a third arm was really good but there’s just no changing his mind. Now every time I drop by a Seder to pick up my wine, I’m going to get chewed out like I have any say in this” continued the Prophet. 

As of press time, God announced that he has scrapped future plans to flood the earth again, as humans are doing a way better job at raising sea levels than he ever could.