Not A Good Sign: The CDC Just Recommended People Start Brushing Up On Their Aztec Mythology
Original photo by Raed Mansour & Steven Miller
Well, this is definitely concerning.
The CDC just updated its website with an incredibly disquieting statement recommending that all Americans should probably start brushing up on their Aztec mythology.
“We don’t want to cause a panic but due to a large portion of the population refusing to aid their fellow humans leading to a record high level of cosmic disunity, let’s just say that it’s looking like everybody should probably take some time out of their day to read up on the differences between, say, Mictlāntēcutli and Xiuhtecuhtli and the various things that make them angry,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky, “it’s really not that hard when you remember one requires their human sacrifices to be cannibalized and the other merely burned.”
“Plus, Mictlāntēcutli wears a necklace made of human eyeballs, which is pretty easy to spot,” she added.
The CDC released a list of specific bullet points that Americans should probably ‘familiarize themselves if [they] have a minute’ including the names of the nine fearsome Lords of the Night, how to protect you and your family from a Tzitzimitl attack, and the minimum amount of spilled human blood required to stop the sun from disappearing.
When asked by reporters to clarify their statements, Director Walensky was vague but reassuring.
“We’re just acting out of an abundance of caution based on some of the things we’ve been seeing. Nothing is imminent,” she said.
At press time, a dazzling blue-green hummingbird – symbol of the War God Huītzilōpōchtli – landed softly on President Biden’s shoulder as the distant shriek of a feathered serpent echoed across the nation.