After GOP fundraiser Tony Lazarro was indicted on federal sex-trafficking charges earlier this month, Minnesota GOP Chairwoman Jennifer Carnahan was forced to step down due to her close connections to Lazarro. Before she left, she voted to give herself a 5-figure severance check. I’m not here to say whether that’s right or wrong, I’m just here to say that if she can do that, then I should be allowed to steal the McFlurry machine now that I’ve been fired from the Shakopee McDonalds.
In many ways, Carnahan and I have similar stories. Both of us were cast out for actions that were not directly ours: she was a personal associate of a man who pimped out teenagers, I was fired because Dan’s a fucking moron and forgot that he was supposed to cover my shift and neither of us wrote it on the schedule so I got the chop. I have so much sympathy for Carnahan, because we’re pretty much in the exact same situation. Which is why I’m advocating to leave with the McFlurry machine, just like she advocated to leave with $38,000 in GOP cash.
Both Carnahan and I could have left our positions with dignity, choosing to do the right thing in our final moments (like give back the donations that her associate paid for through sex trafficking, or properly disposing of the fryer oil one last time.) Instead, Carnahan chose to vote in her own financial interests, and I am all but telling you that this McFlurry machine is mine. Why? Because that’s the American Dream: to screw over your colleagues in your final moments of disgrace at a job you probably didn’t even like in the first place. These are the American values that the MN GOP and the McDonald’s corporation stand for!
I wish Carnahan the best in her future endeavors, and if all else fails, she should know: the McDonald’s in Shakopee will be looking for a new Friday night shift leader, and also if anyone asks about the McFlurry machine, you didn’t talk to me!