OPINION: I’m Fully Vaccinated, And I Will Keep Wearing A Mask To Disguise The Horrible Facial Burns I Sustained in a Mysterious Opera House Fire

Governor Walz has lifted the state-wide mask mandate after the CDC announced last week that those vaccinated do not need to wear masks-  a welcome sign of an ebbing pandemic! I, however, despite being twice pierced by Moderna’s healing needle, will continue to wear a mask so I may disguise my horribly disfigured visage: for half my face was burned in a mysterious opera house fire. 

It was of great importance to take the necessary precautions in order to mitigate the spread of this foul disease: if the opera house is shuttered to the public, there’s no beautiful ingenue practicing arias that I may bestow the gift of music upon. I have dutifully sheltered in place, although my subterranean lair is most damp in the winter time. When I have ventured out to the gas-lit streets, it has been with a mask fit snugly around my disformed face. 

I quickly found that the despicable rabble of the city no longer cowered in my presence. Now this same rabble rejoices at the end of mandatory masking. Oh, what a privilege it must be, to want to show your face to the world! I shan’t join them. These simpletons, more animal than Adam, have given up Jehovah’s most precious gift:  anonymity. With my mask I have the ability to sink into the night, unseen by those who wish to harm what they fear. 

Fie I say! Fie with the end of the mask mandate! You’ll never see me out in public without a mask on again! And you’ll all rue the day you allowed my beautiful opera house to burn!