Opinion: Stocks This, Bonds That: Why Don’t You Take Stock in Your Life and Bond With Your Stepfather!

NEW BRIGHTON — As a mother, I understand that young men are subject to a lot of distractions these days—Tiks and Toks, PS whatevers, women—but something that I cannot abide is this newfound obsession with imaginary coins.  Bit, crypto and “doge”…more like crappola coins if you ask me! 

All I’m asking is that our great state’s sons stop investing in what they can’t see and start putting stock into bonding with something that they could see everyday if they actually gave a hoot—their stepfathers!

All that time and money that these guys are put into a little graph that lives in their phones could’ve been spent on a little bait and tackle that they should’ve taken to their stepfather’s newly winterized ice fishing house. 

If they weren’t so interested in the rises and falls of the market, then they could have been there when their actual stepfather rose up the ladder and actually fell off the roof of the ice house and fractured his coccyx after installing a satellite up there. If they weren’t too busy taking the stock market for a ride, they could have given their stepfather a ride to the emergency room and not made their mother cut her virtual Zumba class short and drive her Toyota Corolla out onto Christmas Lake.What I want, no, what I need is for our sons to quit the market and invest in some quality time with their stepfathers. They’re pretty good guys and our state’s mothers can only watch so much Bosch in one sitting. I’m pleading with you guys to do the right thing and put your phone away and take out your stepdad’s hemorrhoid donut from the freezer—you can thank me later.