Pus-Drooling Demon Emerges From Depths of Hellscape Minneapolis Pothole for Promposal
Original photo by Dean Shareski
MINNEAPOLIS — Downtown Minneapolis was transformed from a nightmarish hellscape of pockmarked streets into a romantic breath of fresh air last night when the demon Beelzebub scrambled out of a pothole in front of First Avenue for a delightful promposal.
“I was, like, super shocked,” gushed Tiffany Swenson, 16, the subject of the pus-drooling, scab-covered demon’s affection. “At first, I was, like, what are you doing? And then I was, like, what is that in your claw? It looks super gross.”
Turns out, this prince of false gods was holding a very real pile of steaming human feces with a simple request emblazoned in blood across the top: “Hey Tiffany, Prom?”
Tiffany’s friend Desiree Peterson wasn’t impressed.
“Some of these fallen angels think they can just slap something together at the last minute and think we’ll be impressed. He didn’t even try to spill the blood of the innocent.”
For the record, Tiffany said yes, but being asked to Hell Prom wasn’t her only surprise that night. “Apparently that circle of the underworld is, like, being renovated or something so the dance was moved. All the infernal chariots have already been rented and he only has his learner’s permit so now I have to drive!”
Due to construction issues, Hell Prom will be held at an alternate venue in Edina.
Brian Matuszak has been trying to make Duluth funny for 35 years now through the writing, directing, performing and producing of live sketch comedy revues, as well as scripted plays. His current theater company, Rubber Chicken Theater, will be celebrating their 15th birthday in 2023. He also wrote a weekly humor column for the Budgeteer News, creating nearly 400 columns over seven years. He can be found on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook (@rchickentheater). His interests include geocaching, time with family, and singing along loudly and proudly to Barry Manilow, not necessarily in that order.