Report: Distance Learning Could Be Depriving Fifth Graders Of Learning From A Kid Named Trevor That Sex Is When A Man Pees Into A Lady’s Butt

A startling new report from the Institute of Education Sciences has found that online schooling has a detrimental impact on a child’s education in the area of learning from a kid named Trevor that sex is when a man pees into a lady’s butt.

The study found that in the past year, less than ten percent of Minnesota fifth graders heard from a kid named Trevor that women have two butts and that if a man pees into one of those butts, that’s sex and that Trevor knows this because he does it all the time and that that makes him cool. 

“Though the overall effectiveness of online education varies from student to student, when it comes to learning sex facts from a kid named Trevor, we’ve found that children are falling significantly behind,” said the study’s author Dr. Greg Simmons, “most are entirely unaware that rubbing butts together is also sex, that kissing too hard can get a lady pregnant, or that its customary for the man to receive a ‘great sex’ medal at the conclusion of sex and that Trevor has at least 50 of these medals but you can’t see them because he left them at home”.

Exactly how schools can better facilitate Trevor-based distance education is still an open question.

“We’re considering asking our class’ Trevor to write a short educational brochure and send it out to the rest of the class through the USPS,” said Brooklyn Park teacher Kayla Singer, “we just hope we can figure out a suitable alternative because this is such a crucial time in their development.”

Authors of the report are also concerned about how virtual learning is inhibiting students learning from a girl named Mackenzie that it’s weird that you don’t wear a bra.