Walz Assures Minnesotans That If COVID Rates Continue To Improve, They’ll All Be Able To Gawk At A Pig’s Huge Balls At The State Fair This Year

Photo by Lorie Shaull

After a trying year, there may finally be a light at the end of the tunnel. Governor Walz said in a statement today that he is optimistic that if encouraging COVID trends continue, Minnesotans will again be able to gawk with equal parts revulsion and admiration at a pig’s enormous balls at the State Fair this summer.

“A lot of people have come up at me and asked ‘Tim, will we all be able to gather together and stare slack-jawed at a hog’s gigantic nutsack this year?’ and while nothing is certain, I am confident the Great Minnesota Get Together will be back on come August,” said Walz, “Personally, Gwen and I can’t wait to share a bucket of Martha’s cookies and wander the Swine Barn staring in horror at the most disturbingly large nards this great state has to offer”.

State Fair General Manager Jerry Hammer echoed the governor’s optimism.

“We are working around the clock to make sure we have a fun and safe event this year,” said Hammer, “I have no doubt that Minnesotans will be able to enjoy all the activities that make the State Fair so special – not just ogling mammoth pig bean bags but also gazing uncomfortably at piglets being squeezed out of the birth canal and then trying in vain to latch on to their mother’s floppy, inflamed teets.”

The governor ended the press conference by imploring Minnesotans not to become complacent in the fight against COVID.

“Together we will win this fight,” he said, “let’s all follow safety guidelines and keep our eyes on the prize, or rather prizes- the two biggest fucking pig balls you can imagine”.