Report: Lake Gross

MINNEAPOLIS — After conducting an extensive, 30-year longitudinal, double-blind study that also included a review of all of the relevant literature, senior researchers at the University of Minnesota have concluded to a high degree of certainty that Pennington Lake in Brunswick, MN is, like, really gross. 

“Our findings point to a strong correlation between people looking at this lake and them saying ‘Ewwww’, said freshwater biologist Professor Catherine Washington, the lead researcher on the team. “In addition, our own qualitative analysis of the lake has confirmed that shit is nasty,” she added. 

The report details several different data points that demonstrate that the lake is just, like, kind of weird. Respondents were much more likely to scowl in close proximity to the lake. And 9 times out of 10, the study found that your uncle made a joke about peeing in the lake, which made it even grosser. 

Scientists hope their findings will one day be used to help others avoid gross lakes. “While I am proud of our research, I would urge caution,” said Professor Washington. “This study only focused on one gross lake. There is still potential for 9,999 other lakes that could be equally as gross.”