MINNEAPOLIS – Hennepin County Sheriff Rich Stanek woke in a nervous sweat in the middle of the night Tuesday, after realizing that voters might find out just how truly terrible of a human being he is before the Midterm elections.
“Oh god” he whispered aloud, as he thought about how county residents can easily look up the fact that he actively cooperates with ICE and facilitated deportations of immigrants.
The restless Stanek, who is running for reelection this November, stood next to his fridge as he anxiously chewed summer sausage and thought about how anyone could read the various, easy to find articles that detail his admitted racial biases or his history of illegally keeping records from the public.
“Shit shit shit” muttered the former Minneapolis police officer, as he furiously attempted to edit his Wikipedia page for the ninth time, unsuccessfully deleting a section mentioning an incident where he beat a black man and yelled racial slurs while in uniform.
Former Republican state representative Stanek went on to add “Ah jeez” when he considered that his constituents, who voted overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton, would find out about his praising of Donald Trump, or that one time he took a picture with him in the Oval Office.
Midway down the stairway to his finished basement Stanek let out an “Oh fuck!” when he thought about the possibility of someone finding out about the time he improperly took credit for the response to the I-35W Bridge collapse. “It would really blow if that came up again”, he added.
After pacing in his self described “Man Cave” for over an hour, Stanek returned back to bed and fell asleep after assuring himself that most people wouldn’t even vote in the Midterm elections anyway.