Scott Jensen Personally Vouches for the Efficacy of Ivermectin in Treating COVID-19, Erectile Dysfunction, Gaping Butthole Syndrome

Speaking at a campaign event Tuesday, Republican gubernatorial candidate Scott Jensen doubled down on his claim that ivermectin can be used to treat COVID-19. 

“I had COVID-19, and just after a few days of thorough ivermectin treatment, I was good as new,” he said to raucous applause from a room full of supporters. “I know for a fact that Ivermectin will also cure even the most intractable erectile dysfunction,”

The crowd cheered again, then got immediately insecure about how excited they sounded.

“If you got a wilting willy that just won’t work, I PROMISE YOU, one or two doses of ivermectin will straighten that guy up like he went to a therapy session with Marcus Bachman,” Jensen said.

Jensen gripped the podium tighter as members of the audience averted their eyes and casually looked for an exit.

“And you know what else the media doesn’t want you to know about ivermectin?” he ranted. “Well, I’ll tell ya. It cures gaping butthole syndrome like nothing I’ve ever seen. If you have been waking up every night having to change your sheets because little dookies have been sliding out of your ever widening anus, all you need to do is to take a little ivermectin. TRUST ME.”

Jensen concluded by telling the dwindling crowd that he is conducting his own trials to see if ivermectin can also cure a failing political campaign.