The rivalry between the University of Minnesota and University of Wisconsin is as old as time It’s as if it’s ingrained in our blood to hate each other. Football has been a tried and true test for which state is better, but with the teams going head to head every year, the score is never settled for good. Therefore, we’ve come up with a surefire solution, adorable solution by tracking down a real gopher named Goldy, and a real badger named Bucky! We’ve assembled these two tough, elite rodents together in a UPS box to settle the score once and for all. Let’s check out their stats:
BUCKY THE (real) BADGER:
Height: 2.5 feet
Weight: 16 pounds
Secret Weapons: Terrifying foreclaws, On again/off again relationship with Karl Coyote
GOLDY THE (real) GOPHER:
Height: 9 inches, nose to tail
Weight: ½ pound
Secret Weapons: Intricate Tunnel Systems, Large Cheek Pouches
On a superficial level, it seems Bucky has the weight, height, and weapon advantage with a possible coyote tag-team option. Coyote has turned on ole’ Buck in the past though, so if this strategy is used it could backfire spectacularly. That said, the spread is definitely not in Goldy’s favor, as he has more of a tendency to tunnel under his opponent and just not come back. This has earned him a DQ in his previous bouts against Dawg the Dog and Brittany the Banana Spider. Put enough acorns in them cheeks, though, and Goldy creates one hell of a spitting distraction
The aforementioned spread has Bucky beating Goldy in about 45 seconds, which interestingly is also the current spread of the UW v UofM game in points. If Goldy can hold out a full minute, though, he’ll fill the pockets of one very excited, 30’s something man in the Seward area with a lot of time on his hands, and a spare box.
This is a No-Holds-Barred-Wild-Card-Coyote-Tag-Team in a Cardboard-UPS-Box Match for the ages! We’re going until one of them keels over, and our vengeful Lord pleased. Loser gets smitten by God! Winner gets to engulf the rest of the Midwest as one big state!
Who will win: cheese state or ten thousand lakes? Wisconsin Dells or Water Park of America? A gopher or a badger? This fully sanctioned NCAA event will be televised all around the Midwest, so tune in Saturday to see who is the objective best! And be sure to watch next week when we make a bulldog fight an alligator. Southern Style!