Spirit Haunting First Ave Thinks This Band Really Sucks


Glenda, an apparition who haunts First Avenue after committing suicide in the 1940’s when the music venue was a bus station, thinks this opening act fucking blows. “These guys are absolute shit.” the ghost said, piercing the veil of our reality from the spirit world.

“Whoever booked these guys is a fucking idiot.” the ghost said of the band, the reggae-infused yacht rock funk trio SexxxLuvvv. “I can’t think of anything more hellish and soul-rendering than the sound these pricks are making, and I’ve died for fuck’s sake.”

“It’s like George Clinton suffered a stroke and joined The Wiggles. That’s what these fuckers sound like.” the phantasm added as she watched across the Main Ballroom and, in a way, time and space itself.

“I hung myself over there in the bathroom,” the spectre said, pointing one of her ethereal limbs westward, “and the way that asshole keeps slapping his bass makes me want to do it again.”

Reportedly, Glenda made it to about halfway through the 3rd song before deciding to go towards the light, uttering “Fuck this.” as she left our earthly realm for eternity.