ST. CLOUD — Following the end of the statewide mask mandate, St. Cloud resident and virulent anti-masker Greg Henson, 57, is intensely disappointed not a single video of himself hurling deranged insults at a Costco employee for politely asking him to put on a face-covering ever went viral on social media.
“This sucks! I’ve completely flipped the hell out at every single service worker I’ve come across for the last 10 months! You think that’s easy?” said Henson, “every time I’d go for a quick Code Red Mountain Dew run, I’d have to labor away, spending a half-hour making a Walmart greeter cry, and now I’ve got nothing to show for it!”
For the entire duration of the state mask mandate, Henson reportedly spent inordinate amounts of time every evening searching YouTube for variations of “anti-masker rant”, “man OWNS lib Costco worker”, and “brave and handsome man stands up for rights” to see if any bystanders had filmed his extraordinarily offensive public tirades.
“Look – I’m a humble guy! I didn’t expect to get really lucky like getting fired from my job at the above ground pool store for spitting on a customer and then making 70,000 dollars on a GoFundMe called ‘Help Out A Real Patriot’ that gets shared by Don Jr. or Candice Owens,” said Henson, “I just wanted a few million plays on Tiktok. Is that too much to ask?”
At press time, Henson was staring out his window with a darkly melancholic look on his face, wondering why his children don’t speak to him anymore.