Stacy, MN Residents Fear None of their Moms Have Got it Going On

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STACY — While listening to the popular 2003 song the entire town of Stacy, MN came to the realization that none of their moms even come close to having it going on. “I mean, I thought at least one of my creepier friends would have some desire for one of our moms” said local Stacy resident Ken Jackson. “It seems statistically unlikely that the entire town doesn’t have a single MILF, yet here I am drawing a blank.”

Another Stacy resident, Darlene Greenwood, agrees with Mr. Jackson. “I mean, I could try to pull off a sexy orange bikini that would sure to rile up a pubescent boy that comes over to my house to hang out with my teenage daughter, but to be honest all I really own are sensible one pieces. I don’t even have a pool.”

The situation in Stacy has reportedly become more dire as the residents of the town realize that very few of the moms in town routinely go on business trips. Additionally, of those that do, none have had a husband suddenly leave them, opening the door for teenage boys to try and woo their peer’s mothers through manual labor.  

The town’s Youth Lawn Mowing Union spokesteen, Ronnie Koester, was also reached for comment regarding the lack of moms that are sexually attractive to teen boys. “Though we routinely mows lawns in Stacy, none of our union members have reported grown women staring seductively at them, coming outside with just a towel on, or subtly saying they missed a spot over there. In fact, we at the YLMU pride ourselves on never missing a spot, and to suggest otherwise would be preposterous.”

While concerning, these issues are not isolated to Stacy, MN. In fact, reports show that nearby Eileen, MN refuses to “come on” and Roxanne, MN residents are, despite pleas, putting on that dress tonight.